Live Commentary: Moana

As some of you know, I make a habit of commenting on stuff as I watch it. Sometimes I do this over chat, sometimes I make my own notes and shove them in peoples faces, and sometimes I keep the dialog entirely internal. Some people, probably the ones tired of me giving them a billion chat notifications, have suggested I publish these, not in chat form. Since Murdoch Mysteries was mean to me and I am too offended to continue watching it at this moment, I decided to watch Moana, since it is finally out and about. Mild spoiler warning: I just write my reactions and thoughts as the movie happens, and sometimes that includes quotes and plot points.

Ok, baby by water. Maybe not the best thing.
What are ya gonna do, ocean? Send the two year old to save the world?
Apparently.
And daddy to the rescue.
MONTAGE TIME. Hurry up and grow up, Moana, so we can actually tell the story, now that we gave everyone that little teaser.
SHE HAS MY HAIR
“Why are you acting crazy?”
“I’m the village crazy lady. It’s my job.”
New life goal: I’m growing up to be Moana’s Gramma.
The drum is gonna wake Maui, isn’t it.
Ayyy, houseboat!
Ok but these people were legit good sailors. It wasn’t until very recently that we had good enough sailing tools to navigate better than Pacific Islanders.
Gramma better not fall over dead after delivering this news.
No, no, this is Disney. That would never happen. Too much Murdoch Mysteries.
Damn it, I hate when I’m right.
Like, what sort of clamp does that necklace have to hold that rock so well?
OK thank you for mom being supportive and awesome for the whole beginning.
Oh hey, I’ve heard How Far I’ll Go now. That means I can go ahead and watch the I Can Go The Distance/How Far I’ll Go mashup.
SHE DID THE BUN SHE DID THE BUN SHE DID THE BUN SHE DID THE BUN
Ok the chicken is great
Is he gonna faint?
Nope, just drown.
HeiHei reminds me of my cat.
Well, so much for that boat.
…and that’s my hair after the beach.
How’d her hair become pristine again?
MAUI IT IS NOT POLITE TO SQUISH YOUR GUESTS
Ok he literally acts like the Rock. This is perfect. As are his pecs.
Maui. Seriously. RUDE.
His tattoo is rebuking him. I love it.
Ok, Moana has awesome upper body strength.
You go water. You are awesome.
“Stay out of it or you’re sleeping in my armpit.”
NO ONE KNOWS THE PAST TENSE OF SMITE.
Seriously, did they just shove a microphone at the Rock and say “you’re now a demigod. Be yourself, a demigod.”
THEY’RE LITTLE COCONUTS. THEY ARE TOO CUTE.
EVEN WHEN THEY’RE ANGRY.
They’re gonna end up being helpful aren’t they.
Moana is bad ass, folks.
HIS TATTOO. IS AWESOME.
She is gonna play him like a fiddle.
She has a killer death stare.
How is Maui not like flashing everyone?
“If you wear a dress and have an animal sidekick, you’re a princess.” KITTIES WE HAVE A CHANCE.
The ocean just stuck him in the butt, didn’t it?
Yup. It did. It totally did.
This is a dream sequence. I’m pretty sure. Oh, yup.
I’m so proud of the tattoo guys.
She’s gonna pass him up, isn’t she?
Ha.
Death glare again.
She’s more than 8. She has boobs.
“If you start singing, I’m gonna throw up.”
Awesome tongue there, dude.
HE DID THE BUN TOO.
And there’s the hook.
He’s in the middle of a jukebox. He lives in a jukebox. He is the jukebox.
HE TURNED INTO SVEN. THAT WAS SVEN.
…where’s the blacklight coming from?
Good luck Maui. You need to get that one looked at.
He looks even more like the Rock as the shark. Must be the lack of hair.
“What can I say except, we’re dead soon?”
OK why does the boobie band look like soda tabs instead of shells now?
Yeah, makes sense why he’s such a meanie people pleaser.
His tattoo just gave him a hug.
Also, the tattoo is way over-optimistic.
…he just tapped his tattoo’s butt.
And the water got tired of rescuing Heihei. that’s perfect.
How does that old mast manage to support Maui’s weight?
Te Ka is pretty awesome.
Maui’s identity isn’t in himself. Interesting.
So Maui got mad and left. So she’s gonna try to do it by herself, nearly fail, and he’s gonna come in at the last minute to help her, isn’t he.
Nope. Well, that’s not usual for Disney.
Gramma’s the best combination of Grandmother Willow and a Jedi Ghost that I’ve found yet.
And the bun is back. Buns mean business, people. Fear the bun.
Oh, wait. I was right. Welcome back, Maui.
Good job, ocean. Just throw Moana back onto land one more time.
Wait…so…without her heart, Te Fiti became Te Ka.
That is the perfect shot.
“The chicken lives!”
Te Fiti has the same death stare as Moana. It’s perfect.
OK THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A HAPPY FAMILY AT THE END OF A MOVIE WHERE ALL THE PARENTS ARE STILL ALIVE, DISNEY. GOOD WORK.
Doesn’t Pua mean pig?
The shell was her addition! That is perfect.
THEY’RE SAILING AGAIN
AND HER DRESS
I LOVE HER DRESS
Actually it’s a two piece.
Best two piece I’ve seen in a long time.
Ok, I’m happy with this movie.
Wait. Why did the little coconut people never come back? They were only there for that? That was it?
I WANT MORE COCONUT PEOPLE.
But don’t give them their own spin-off. We don’t need coconut minions. *shudder*
Also, thank you Lin-Manuel Miranda for doing more music. I’m not a fan of rap so I’ve missed out on Hamilton, but I’ll take this as a good replacement.
I like how the starter credits look like they’re glamour shots from the Museum of Samoa.
And now, for the final question: Will they have a list of production babies????
Waiting…
Still waiting….
Huh, Skywalker sound was involved.
PRODUCTION BABIES LIST.
42 babies. Actually not that long of a list.
Why does baby Cooper have a star next to his name? 🙁
Oh, look, Wreck-It Ralph.
Ha, the crab dude got stuck.
This is why it always pays to stay to the end of movies, kids. Count the babies, and enjoy the final clip.

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